Janie wants advice on how to help a grieving friend.

Last year her close friend Marian lost her younger sister to cancer. The sister was very young; only 32. Needless to say it was a very very difficult time for Marian and all her family; For quite a while Marian became very depressed and only in recent months has started to get back into the swing of life again.

Now it's coming up to the one-year anniversary of the sister's death. Janie is concerned for Marian... she knows that the anniversary will trigger a lot of memories and she's been showing a few signs of anxiety about it lately.

But Janie isn't sure what to do. Should she raise it and talk about it with Marian? If so what should she say?
 
While the two have really quite a close friendship, Marian does tend to be quite a private, internal person who doesn't up easily about personal things. She's also single and lives on her own so there's no husband or boyfriend to confide in... Janie's worried that Marian might just bottle it all up inside.

She'd love your advice.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Janie would love to hear from people who have been through the loss of a loved one themselves and have been on the receiving end of well-meaning words from friends.

• What kind of words and thoughts are helpful?

• What isn't helpful?

• When there's an important date coming up connected to the death of a loved one, do you want people to ask you about it? 

• Does it only hurt and raise painful memories? Or does it hurt even more if people avoid the topic?

• Is there an appropriate time and place to talk about these things?  Are there appropriate questions or phrases that are helpful?

• Should she offer to do something fun to get her mind of the painful memories? Or should she offer to do something meaningful with Marian to remember her sister?

EXPERT OPINION

Sue Bartho, Clinical Psychologist

"Definitely, YES, do open up the topic, even now, if that is still well before the actual date.  Send an email, which they can respond to in their time and in their way, acknowledging the importance of this date, and throwing out some ideas to them.  I'd start by asking her how she is feeling about it, and whether she is planning to do anything special.
 
I really like the idea of planning something nice to honour the memory of the sister, eg Would she like to go out to dinner to mark the occasion?  Or have a select group of people over to your house ?  On the first anniversary of the death of one of our friends, we hosted a special lunch here for the 3 families whom the bereaved wife chose as her support people... etc
 
It's SO much better to plan and share something special so that your friend feels cared for and loved, rather than the date pass by unacknowledged by others.  Some people want to visit a grave; others want to pull out all the old photos; some only want to be with family; some want to be alone.
 
When you get to talk to your friend you could gently ask a question like one of these:
     *  What are your favourite memories?
    *  What are the lasting legacies that your sister brought to your life?
    *  What are you most grateful for in her?
   
Your presence as her friend is really important for her to know she is not alone.  There are no magic questions to ask, only love and thoughtful care to offer. 

THERE  ARE NO RULES and people need to grieve in their own way in their own time !! 
 
1 - Gently encouraging her towards gratitude for all she has enjoyed and gained in having this sister
2 - Be careful to stay away from self-blame, guilt, regret, shoulds etc, that can lead to complicated or unhealthy grief
3 - Often having a practical focus for honouring the sister can help, whether it is fund raising for cancer research or a seat in a local park or a lovely album of photos and memories. This can be a way of channelling her grief in to a constructive project.
4 - Giving herself permission to have whatever feelings she currently has about her sister!