This week's Second Opinion topic comes from James. "In a nutshell", he says, "my Dad doesn't like my wife." James and his wife Ally have been married for 6 years now, and in the first few years his parents were really warm and accepting of Ally. But over the past year his father, let's just call him Dad, has developed an intense disapproval of everything about her.
There's a number of aspects to it.
Firstly Dad's a neat-freak, and Ally, though a good housekeeper, doesn't live up to his unrealistic standards in that area. Secondly Dad's a bit of a workaholic, and never really stops to relax - -Whereas Ally, though conscientious and hard working, often makes family time and playing with the kids, her priority. James's parents live on a farm interstate, so when he and Ally and their two kids go to visit, it's usually during their holidays when they need a relaxing break. So doing hours of work around the house and the farm isn't their top priority. Sadly, Dad interprets all of this as laziness.
Another reason Dad disapproves of Ally is that she has a strong personality, something he's never been good at handling. Ally and James have a great relationship, and Ally has no problem with James being head of the family... But Dad can't see that. He only sees her strong opinions. So he's formed the impression that she wears the pants and has James under the thumb. In fact this couldn't be further from the truth.
Last time they visited, Dad pulled James aside to tell him just what he thought of Ally. James disagreed strongly, defended his wife, and tried to explain that he'd made a lot of wrong assumptions - but Dad, who's never been a great communicator, wouldn't hear it.
It's now at the point where Ally doesn't enjoy going to see James's parents at all. She can sense his disapproval in his conversation, his body language, his attitudes; It makes her depressed and only makes for a stressful holiday.
What can James do?
Let's give him some second opinions.
• James could just stop visiting Mum and Dad altogether. But he doesn't see that as a long term solution - - because his kids love their grandparents, and he doesn't want them to lose that relationship. And of course, he doesn't want to cut his parents out of his own life either.
• There's always the overt confrontation option - Call a family meeting, lay it all out on the table. But that's a problem too, because Dad only goes on the defence when confronted with difficult issues. It would only be counter-productive.
• So James needs some kind of middle-ground solution
• Dad is one of those hard-headed people who doesn't let anyone speak into his life, and only thinks something is a good idea if he thought of it himself. So how can James can open Dads eyes in some subtle way, and get him to realise himself, that his attitude to Ally is a problem and is jeopardising his relationship with his own family?
• If you've experienced disapproving parents-in-law, what did you do?
• How can you show parents who are older and becoming a bit stuck in their ways, that their attitudes to their daughter-in-law or son-in-law are damaging?
EXPERT ADVICE: Judith Nicholls
1. First Ally must never become involved in the discussion James must be the one to have all the discussion with his parents. Actually I don't think the problem is that Dad is a poor communicator - he had made his views startlingly clear - he just can't negotiate.
2. The problem may not be Ally. Dad may have expectations that are not being met by James. Parents can't blame their own children for shortcomings and disappointments because that would reflects on their own parenting so they switch focus to the person their child has married. For farmers their farm is their life - James has lived away from the farm and may have forgotten this. Perhaps Dad looks forward to a bit of extra help when they come and is disappointed that it's not forthcoming.
3. Once children have left home, people become set in their ways. They get used to a tidy house and routine. That needs to be respected You might want to kick back and relax but for them it is work as usual and extra work at that. Do you think Dad is protective of your Mum having four extra people to think about and care for particularly very young children who inevitably make a mess and get into things. I was reminded of this recently. We had some students and their families for lunch and the children settled on our bed for a nap. I was catapulted into wakefulness at 5.45 the next morning because little fingers had been playing with the alarm. So I think maybe making a bit of an effort to help around the house and on the farm might be the way forward.
4. Don't make threats about not visiting - that just punishes everybody. But you may suggest staying in a caravan on the property or in some place other than the farm. That will be a bit of a reality check for your Dad.
5. Grumpy old men need to be challenged but it is important to remain gracious. Jesus made it clear that as much as it depends on us we should attempt to live at peace with all. So we need to scrutinise our conduct honestly to see if we can make changes. For a start don't use 'neat freak' or 'workaholic' = they display prejudice on your part and don't help in discussion.
